Good Morning Tinker.
Muppet Daddy here.
Don't worry I'm not going to sing Puff the Magic Dragon, The Runaway Train or Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I'm not here to tickle you and I won't pull any of those silly faces . I'm not even going to make you listen to The Cat in the Hat complete with overacting and silly voices.
I'm here for a purely selfish reason today.
I wanted to tell you how I'm doing.
I say selfish because I tell you how Mummy is doing every night - this morning though I thought I'd fill you in on how I'm feeling.
You know that I miss you more than I can ever say. I know I try not to cry because if I do and you are watching me then you may think that Daddy is sad or that he is lonely. I know youi do see me cry but sometimes they are happy tears because I remember something silly about you. Sometimes I cry because I miss you, you know that but sometimes I cry because some trees look lovely or I hear something about naughty SMA getting a kicking or I want to tell you about something that I can not.
There is not a day goes by that I don't think about how things could have been and I cry then too. That's selfish though I know. Your poor little body wasn't very well and I know you had started to realise that and that you would have become very upset if you had stayed much longer.
I know that.
Sometimes I cry because it was the right thing for you to go when you went. I know that's selfish too because the tears are just my way of saying that I wish things could have been different.I wish I could have held you for longer or sang you a few more songs. I wish I could have kissed that illness out of you and had it in me. God I wish I could.
The one thing that I never want to be different though is the effect that you had on this world. In your eight months here you managed to move so many people to care, to care about their lives, their children, their hopes- and to care about you.
So how am I doing
No point pretending is there - I know you know
When you first said goodbye I thought that I would never laugh or smile again. You soon showed me that was wrong. You sent me so many signs. That's why days like today aren't too bad. It's not been Christmas or New Year of Father's Day when I have missed you the most. It's at random unexpected moments. It happens a lot when I am driving or showering or waking up. If you see me crying then you have to forgive me please. It's just time without you.
It's just time passing by,
The nice people are still here. They are doing all sorts to try and make it that other babies don't have the naughty disease you had. When that happens then I know you will be very happy. Imagine that because of you living other babies don't have to have those tubes and machines and those rooms and those dreadful moments that we thought we were losing you.
Anyway enough about all that
It's Father's Day
I think there will be a bacon butty somewhere along the way. Better had be
but
It's Father's Day and you are supposed to get me a present.
There are 364 days a year when Daddies have the right to spoil their little girls and buy all sorts that they can be told off for but today is my day and I shall be expecting my present later. I hope it's a big one
What am I hoping for ?
I don't want a tie
I don't want socks
I don't want a World's Ugliest Daddy Mug
I don't want a trophy
I don't want a card that you have made by painting with your fingers
( Although that would be very nice)
I don't want an electronic thingy machine
I just want a moment in the day - an unexpected moment. I just want a breeze across my cheek. I just want a rainbow in the kitchen. I just want a song on the radio. I just want to have one moment when a memory of you comes floating by. I just want a white butterfyl to land on a bush. I just want a memory of something you did.
I just want a heart rending, awe-inspiring , inexplicable moment when I remember something about you that I have already forgotten.
It may be something like the way you raised your eyebrows or squeezed my useless finger or smiled when I put you in the big bed and told you to hush so we did not wake Mummy. We talked for hours in teh big bed with Mr Giraffe- all our plans - all our dreams.
All I want is to know that you are there
All I want is to know that I have not lost you
All I want is sunshine on my face or a gentle rain or some natural beautiful moment that creeps up and suprises me and reminds me
Of you
Of my Estella
Now go and get that sorted.
I shall be expecting a miracle - not a diddy one - a big whap you in the belly with a fish miracle
Not much to ask for
Not much for a Muppet Daddy
On Father's Day
